I tend to not post a lot, but I'm going to try to remedy that. :)

I'm staying at my sister's place and have been since Wednesday night. Fun times, and some annoying ones too (my bil's sister is kind of dense).

I am so glad to have had a nice break.

I'm a bit worried about what my boss is going to say about my hair, but fuck him. I like it now a lot better than I did when it was down to my shoulders, and that's all that matters.

In the gender front, today is a bit of a girly day. I'm wearing eyeliner and mascara, a low-cut sweater (with little heart buttons) and some Tripp pants. I feel all right. I just had about 4 masculine days in a row. I think I feel better and more comfortable on my masculine days than my feminine days, which is weird, but I feel like I get a bit too much attention when I wear low-cut shirts, especially from my friends. I don't want to spend my entire day having my tits stared at.

Times like these, I just want them chopped off (or reduced or something....maybe a small C-cup?...right now I have a G-cup).

I'm tired. I haven't slept well since we've been staying here because everyone goes to bed late and wakes up early. I need to catch up on some sleep! :)

I'm having a hard time trying to stop the negative thoughts in my head.  You know the ones.  The ones that tell me that I'm a disgusting cow and need to lose 100 pounds to be beautiful and sexy again.

I weigh about 225 or so, and the height/weight charts say I should weigh between 110-135 or so.  That's awful small for me!

I don't want to lose weight, but my mind keeps telling me that I'd look so much better if I did.  I mean, I want to be healthier, but I don't want to lose the way I look, as I like it.  

It's like, I've grown up with such a bias against being a bigger person, as most everyone has, but it's so hard for me to break away from that, probably because I have emotional/mental issues.  They lead me to look for acceptance, and to crave it more than most people.

*sigh*  I just wish it was easier.  But, I'll keep trying as hard as I can, and maybe someday I'll be where I want to be, acceptance-wise.

Really, how hard is it to find a bikini for a plus-sized girl that's not freaking 50-70 bucks?  I'm poor, goddamnit!

Ugh, well, I found some pretty ones at www.biggalslingerie.com but the cheapest one that I like is $49.  While that's not a lot to some people, to me, that's pretty ridiculous.  I'd get it in holographic lycra!  Ugh, I need monies!

I DO have a bikini at home, but the top is too showy.  Both my husband and sister said that I looked like a stripper.  I don't think I want to look like a stripper at the pool.  Heh.  My tits are way too big for an XL in a bikini top.  A few years back, I bought a bikini that was plus-sized at Wal-Mart, and it was under 20 bucks!  It was cute too, hot pink hawaiian print with a halter top and boyshorts.  Why did I get rid of it?  WHY?  *sob*

Oh well, I guess I'll find something eventually.  *rolls eyes*  What, can big girls not show skin according to Wal-Mart anymore?

 Hi!

My name is Deneen!  I had a journal on Livejournal before, but deleted it for some inane reason.  

I'm 5'4", 24 years old, 230 pounds, pierced, tattooed, and batshit!  I'm about the most random person you'll meet.  Whenever I see a squirrel, I yell out, "squirrel!"  I chose the name squirrel for that reason and also because I'm a spaz and very hyper (I'm actually pretty laid back at home).

I'm married, and have been for 2 years and 10 months.  I won't say it's perfect, but we're working on it!  I have two cats named Tigir and Bobo, a rat named Mounds, and a goldfish, who has no name.  Haha!

I have 5 tattoos.  Number 1 is on my left shoulder (a ladybug on a flower, it's faded and I hate it), number 2 is on my lower back (a drawing I did of a big girl and big guy hugging, that apparently looks rather obscene when I lean forward while sitting--so says my doctor!), number 3 and 4 are tattoos of Gir from Invader Zim on both ankles (left-Gir in his doggy suit with candy, right-bloody robot Gir), number 5 is a squirrel on the inside of my right wrist.

I've had many piercings over the years.  I currently have 00 gauge ears, 16 gauge eyebrow, and 2 gauge tongue.  I've also had 14 gauge septum (which I loved, but the way it always sat crooked bothered me enough that I took it out), 14 gauge nipples (I loved these, but they refused to heal!), 16 gauge VCH (I was too sensitive, so it bugged me), 22 gauge nostril (didn't heal right), my ears were up to 1/2" (I had to downsize because the acrylic tunnels I put in them caused the piercings to become raw), and many random ear piercings.

I've started and abandoned most crafts that you can think of.  The only thing I keep coming back to is drawing/painting.  Probably because since I was little, my mother always told me that if I was bored, I should draw something.

I have a Bachelor's degree in Sociology with a minor in Social Work, which doesn't do me any good because I don't want to be a social worker, about the only job you can get with that degree.  I plan on going back in the Fall to get a Master's in Human Resources.

I'm a big girl, and am finally to the point where I can say that I'm mostly happy with the way I look.  I learned a long time ago that I look much better with long hair, and have tried to grow it out in the past, only to cut it off when it started to look good.  I don't know why.  This time, I'm letting it grow!

Well, that's all I can think about for now.  Bye!